Gay Marriage – or – What the Fuck Is Wrong With You People?!

I don’t even understand why this is an issue.

Ok, I guess I do. Someone’s invisible bearded man says it’s not alright for people with the same no-no bits to rub those no-no bits together, so of course we need to legislate it. Makes perfect sense. Hey, while we’re at it, can we legislate some other bits of antiquated, ridiculous mythology as well? I was thinking maybe we could go on a state-by-state campaign to get basilisks banned. They seem pretty dangerous, what with that whole turning people to stone thing. And we definitely need tighter restrictions on genies and their wishes – won’t someone think of the children?!

All sarcasm and wild hyperbole aside, it really irks me to think that anyone could deny a basic human right to another person based solely on their genital predilections. And the sheer volume of ignorant hatred that is behind this movement is distressing to me. Honestly, people, do you really think gays want to marry in order to bring down society? Gays love society! Without society we wouldn’t have Sex in the City marathons or gelato! You want to know the nefarious reasons that same-sex couples want to have their relationships legally consummated? BECAUSE THEY FUCKING LOVE EACH OTHER! Dark stuff, I know.

And don’t you dare go quoting Leviticus or Ephesians at me. I’ve read the bible. Well, I’ve read parts of it. Mostly the parts with beheadings. But that’s irrelevant. It may be true that the bible says that it’s wrong for a man to lay with another man as with a woman, but here’s a newsflash people – the bible says a lot of wacky shit. I don’t mean to ruin the end for you, but the last chapter is filled with giant monsters rising up from the bottom of the ocean and doing battle with legions of winged naked babies. This does not strike me as a book whose word you should take too seriously. Granted, there are plenty of good life lessons and pithy platitudes to be had as well – I’m rather fond of that whole “take the plank out of your eye before you take the mote out of someone else’s” thing – but the simple fact is that there are a lot of crazy, outdated and frankly ridiculous rules in that book. Leviticus forbids a man to eat food prepared by a menstruating woman. Hey Pat Robertson, did you ever cook your own dinner before your wife went through menopause? I bet not, huh? Did you make her sleep in a separate hut? That’s in Leviticus too. Seems like ridiculous superstition nowadays, doesn’t it? Wonder what other bon mots we should disregard. And I will be the first to admit that if I am wrong, I look forward to the seven-headed beast with the seven crowns. That shit will be AWESOME!

This brings us to the recent elections, and the debacle of states banning same-sex marriage, including the one state that by all logical sense should have thrown over the measure, painted it with rainbows and held a Judy Garland sing-along while it burned – California. I’m not going to expend the effort to re-tell the story, you know what happened: the people voted, and they voted to put a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage in place under the guise of “protection of marriage”. California. The state where San Francisco lives. The state that produces the majority of the country’s pornography. The state whose governor has had enough sexual harassment complaints against him to fill a law student’s wet dreams for a decade. The man was a bodybuilder in the eighties, for fuck’s sake! It doesn’t get much gayer than that!

I digress. California: what went wrong? Most of us blame the Mormons, and I heartily encourage this. I also blame the Mormons for heart disease, homeless pets and the Twilight books. They’re just so fun to hate. But we can’t lay the entire blame at the feet of God’s Chosen Choristers. Without idiotic dupes in the California electorate, the Mormons’ orgy of homophobic campaigning would have done absolutely no good. That’s right, folks, I’m going to say it – California has ignorant hicks too. Ever been to Bakersfield? I rest my case. And what is it that truly motivates ignorant hicks to get off their fold-out couches, put down the Budweiser and Clamato (which, by the way, is an abomination unto the Lord if ever there was one), and go to that elementary school they haven’t set foot in since they were six to vote? Fear. Fear is the great motivator. Fear of everyone who isn’t exactly like you. The largely Mormon-backed (though the rest of you Fundie fucks aren’t off the hook for this one – I’ve seen a lot of various sects giving money to these campaigns) ads on California, Florida and various other states’ televisions said – and I’m paraphrasing a bit here – “The queers want to get married so they can adopt your children, turn them gay, and have the kind of sex with them that you only get on your birthday. They also want to do that to you. Vote yes on Prop 8.” What self-respecting redneck isn’t going to get out of the trailer for a half an hour to avoid being anally raped by the newly empowered homosexual population? None, I can tell you. This sort of fear-mongering was, from my point of view, the primary tactic of the so-called “marriage protection” people. They also added, as an afterthought, “Jesus hates fags”, which seemed to seal the deal.

Normally I’d spend about twelve paragraphs here expounding on the hypocrisy of the Republican party (and others, god knows the lefties aren’t innocent of the occasional tiddle) in these matters, laughing about the people who want to “protect the sanctity of marriage” while having rampant, documented extra-marital affairs – of both the hetero- and homosexual nature, I might add – but it just doesn’t seem worth it anymore. Everyone knows it’s a crock of shit, and we’ve all had our chance to scream about it before now. And if that was the only hypocrisy going on in DC then we’d all be much happier people, have adequate health care, and be living on the moon. I’m also giving a pass to preachers and politicians who rail on endlessly about the promiscuous gay lifestyle out of one side of their mouths while denying gays the chance to be officially, legally monogamous out of the other. I don’t believe in God, but I do occasionally wish I did so that I could believe they’d have a hell of a surprise waiting for them when they finally croaked. I’m also going to ignore the ridiculousness of preserving the sanctity of an institution that, until very recently, was used mainly for political, social and financial gain. And don’t even get me started on the “what’s next – a man marrying a toaster oven?” argument, I just don’t think it’s worth my spite.

So how do you counteract this hypocrisy, fear and ignorance? I haven’t the faintest fucking idea. Obviously logic, reasoning and calm discussion haven’t worked out so well for us. But I do think the pro-gay-marriage agenda is not entirely innocent of fucking this whole thing up themselves. Mainly, I think our biggest mistake was accepting their verbiage in the debate. The word “marriage” inherently carries religious connotations. Inherently. And when you start fucking around with people’s religion, they get angry. No doubt I would have lost several Mormon friends already over this essay if I had any to begin with, and rightfully so. I think this whole deal shouldn’t have been framed as marriage rights to begin with. We needed to start with simple civil unions. Now, it’s only fair that I mention at this point that I am totally opposed to marriage being a legal issue at all. I think that two people who want to legally bind themselves to each other should do so in a strictly governmental sense – a “civil union” or a “social contract” or some other ridiculously clinical phrase – and then, if they want to get their supreme being involved in the affair they should do it seperately on their own time. I know that that’s how it works in the real world – I’ve been married myself, in godless, heathen Las Vegas no less – but when you apply the word “marriage”, you open the door for people to get all up in arms about the government forcing their god-fearing Baptist congregation to sanctify buttsex. Gay buttsex, not birthday buttsex. Most Baptists I’ve met seem to be cool with that. Of course that’s not the point we were trying to make, but a simple change of phrasing completely eliminates that scare tactic, and in an uphill battle like the one we face trying to legalize same-sex unions, every little easing of homophobic tension helps.

I also think the gay pride movement has shot itself in the foot a few too many times in the past, and continues to do so to this day. I’m all for being proud of who you are, and I generally approve of shoving it in everyone else’s face, but I fail to see how the shenanegans that go on at pride rallies advance the cause of understanding and tolerance. I know I’m making a gross generalization here, but assless leather chaps are not, generally speaking, the best thing about gay culture. It’s a little like summing up the Masons’ contributions to society as funny hats and tiny cars. No, I’m not saying you should change who you are, or even hide it, but you really have to come up with a better way of presenting yourselves than leather daddies and drag queens. I have never once seen a float in a pride parade with an orchestra playing “Appalachian Spring”, or someone reading a Tom Wolfe novel. Not even once. Prove me wrong, gay America!

I will conclude this piece the way I started it, with a simple statement. I don’t even understand why this is an issue. If you have a problem with gays marrying, then by all means, don’t marry one. Occam’s razor works remarkably well in this situation. I’m willing to bet that most people who have a real, deep-seated issue with it won’t ever actually have to look a married gay couple in the face unless they’re passing by the opera house on their way to the titty bar up the street. I think it’s sick and wrong that people watch NASCAR, but I’m not about to go putting up a ballot initiative against it.

Though I would appreciate it if you signed my anti-basilisk petition.